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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

You are your own enemy

I had a discussion with one of my sisters about how I feel that my life has been literally on hold since graduating college. Why is that???? Well, all of my life it has
been instilled in my mind that, going to school will serve my life a better paying job with better opportunities. Ok, so what if your biggest enemy is the economy? (read earlier post). Anyway, I guess my focus in life is shifting back to the old one. The plan that's burried with the "what if''s" and the "what should happen".
It has been a decade already of missed opportunities of travelling the world. A plan that's been over powered by circumstances beyond our own control at times, to
having our conscience be the deciding factor of what our priorities are. So what was my point again??? Oh yeah, I feel as if my life has been on hold, while my husband has the opportunity of traveling the world and has a job with good pay, I on the other hand (in comparison) has the opposite. I feel stuck, within a decade (after graduating high school) nothing much has really changed. Getting married? Haven't really traveled much, and oh yeah, still fighting the same battle since graduating college in this horrible economy---- the battle of the empty promise. A promise of finding that job with better pay since well, I have attained that degree. Yeah, don't see that happening any time soon. I have applied to 40 jobs within two and a half years and only managed 2 interviews. Obviously, I was either too qualified or underqualified to get the job. Wow, that sucks! So what then? Can't exactly start a family since my husband and I are not financially prepared, so should I consider myself the reason for the hold back? What I would love to do right now given a chance is, to travel the world with no worries with my husband and my sisters. I don't want to look back in my life and feel that I have regrets. Elderly people have adviced me to not take life for granted, that we are young (in our late 20's) that we have the world by the ass, that we can do and able to do anything we want. Then why do I feel the opposite?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Moving On

It is often hard to go back to your normal routine, especially when you are mourning. On top of that, you can't help but be attached to everyone and compare your relationships and what could have been different. But at the same time, you feel disconnected with reality, what I mean by the feeling of disconnect is, the feeling of surreal. Wishing that every negative feeling running in your body is a nightmare and you just wish to wake up. I find myself also being misunderstood, probably the lack of communication? Or may be I do keep myself distant from people who pretend to care. If some are real, then they will be there, right? I find my circle of friends getting bigger, with that comes with people who are also fake. As my network becomes bigger, my trust for people lessens. People whom I turn to for advice, seem to have run into a road block, so have I. I feel so stuck with everything. Mixed emotions and reactions to everyone and everything. I try to care, but I feel numb, I worry constantly, about everyone and everything. May be I just need to vent. May be all of my feelings stems from the hurt, because I lost a friend, a confidant, and an allie. The blood relatives I have no longer truly exists, every thread seem to have been cut. My cousins whom I grew up with and actually had a relationship, are disconnected with the rest of us more than anything. I tried to reach out and actually talk, no one bothered to return any of my messages. As for my family, my sister seems to be the only one reasonable to talk to. She and I see eye to eye, no judgement, just honesty. I feel so numb, is that wrong? Is there something wrong with me? I feel as if though I'm fighting a battle that I didn't start. Is this a part of growing up? Why does it hurt so bad????

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


This year by far has been a roller coaster ride. Some might say that all the events that I have encountered by far can be described as.... "growing up", or some will say.... "that's life". What if at times I feel that I am not built to handle certain emotions? But, then again, why go through it right? May be I am capable of handling emotions, it is just a matter of how to accept and see it. Right?