Moving On

It is often hard to go back to your normal routine, especially when you are mourning. On top of that, you can't help but be attached to everyone and compare your relationships and what could have been different. But at the same time, you feel disconnected with reality, what I mean by the feeling of disconnect is, the feeling of surreal. Wishing that every negative feeling running in your body is a nightmare and you just wish to wake up. I find myself also being misunderstood, probably the lack of communication? Or may be I do keep myself distant from people who pretend to care. If some are real, then they will be there, right? I find my circle of friends getting bigger, with that comes with people who are also fake. As my network becomes bigger, my trust for people lessens. People whom I turn to for advice, seem to have run into a road block, so have I. I feel so stuck with everything. Mixed emotions and reactions to everyone and everything. I try to care, but I feel numb, I worry constantly, about everyone and everything. May be I just need to vent. May be all of my feelings stems from the hurt, because I lost a friend, a confidant, and an allie. The blood relatives I have no longer truly exists, every thread seem to have been cut. My cousins whom I grew up with and actually had a relationship, are disconnected with the rest of us more than anything. I tried to reach out and actually talk, no one bothered to return any of my messages. As for my family, my sister seems to be the only one reasonable to talk to. She and I see eye to eye, no judgement, just honesty. I feel so numb, is that wrong? Is there something wrong with me? I feel as if though I'm fighting a battle that I didn't start. Is this a part of growing up? Why does it hurt so bad????